Are you in the keynote speaker friendzone?
I was having an interesting conversation recently with a keynote speaker: great logos, great relationships, and they can’t get opportunities.
I was intrigued…
“I have GREAT relationships with so many people!” “I’m doing the right things”, is what I was hearing.
Are you in the keynote speaker friendzone?
It made me think of dating: sometimes, you get stuck in the “friend zone”:
- “You’re so nice!”
- “I wish I could find someone like you.”
- “You’re going to make a great partner to someone someday!”
If you’ve dated, or know someone who has, you’ve probably heard this type of thing before: sound familiar?
It brought to mind the work of Cass Sunstein on habituation. This is the psychological equivalent of olfactory fatigue: know when you’re in the kitchen so long you can’t smell something anymore? That’s olfactory fatigue. You’ve gotten used to things…
My question: were these people just “used” to this person? Or, was it something else?
The challenge when we’re trying to understand others (and their perception of us) is that it can be complex. This is influenced by things like:
- Culture
- Values
- Religion
- Upbringing (broadly)
- and more…
As I listened, I wondered what the situation might require: my suggestion? It’s time to change the script. It’s time for a bit of “shock and awe”.
Time to change things to get more results
If you’ve built great relationships, there is a turning point in your business development: when you hear “I’d love to work with you”, your next step is to say “Let’s figure out how.” Normally, we want to slightly pressure the situation: “Great! Let’s discuss it and I’ll get you a proposal.”
What happens next in terms of behaviour and language matters: what do they do (or not)? That’s telling.
Back to our story: my suggestion (depending on the person) was to either go “full shock and awe” or, gently work towards it (that depends on the person on the other side). Either way, this situation needs changing.
Some phrases I suggested instead of “Why don’t you pay me?!” included:
I’m working towards ____________ in 2026. What (if anything) could we do together?
Tell me about your priorities for this coming year: is there an opportunity for us to do something together?”
Ultimately, it’s about THEM. The problem for this keynote speaker? It seems like they’re in the friendzone.
When is it time to change the relationship?
This is where strategic clarity comes into play: there are people you’ve known for years who may be subject to habituation.
There are new contacts that you’re going to build this year: the key with those? You have to be strategic. What do you need from this relationship? What do THEY need?
I’m not advocating for you to be transactional: I passionately feel the opposite. Build the relationships.
But, one of the key skills is determining “Are we going to date, or am I stuck in the friendzone forever?”
Your best bet? Don’t get stuck in the friendzone in the first place.
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