How to Say No: Networking Advice for Professional Speakers
How You Say No Matters for Your Reputation
We’ve all been a jerk
We’ve all been a jerk before. I’m sure as you read that, you might think back to a time (whether recently or maybe even a little while ago) when you felt like you were a big jerk. Maybe you didn’t handle things well, maybe you said something that was too sharp to people you care about, whether at work or at home. In short, no one gets through life without having moments they’d like back.
The problem is, what happens when you don’t know that you’ve come across as a jerk? What happens then?
It’s critically important that you understand how to say no and that you understand how to lay out the boundaries of what you will and will not do.
We’re all busy and we all have limits on the amount of time we have available. As you grow in your career, things can often feel like they’re getting busier and that you have less time available for the things you actually want to do and focus on, especially as a professional speaker.
One of the sentiments I’ve appreciated in recent years: “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.” As a recovering people pleaser, that’s sometimes easier said than done.
There’s also a saying from Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” How true is that?
When it comes to saying no, there are two people who stand out to me in terms of how they said no, how differently their responses came across, and how they made me feel.
How not to say no
Case One: As a competitive intelligence expert, I’ve always found that part of my networking strategy is about bringing the right people and resources to others to help them with their efforts. In one such case, however, it was clear that I had hit a trip wire with someone and they said something to the effect of “Don’t send anything like this to me anymore. I already have what I need.”
Ouch!
While I certainly understood, this happened a few years ago, and that person (who I held in decent regard before that) got a mental ejection from my network. The message was fine, but the way that the message was delivered absolutely sucked.
“I really appreciate that you send me these things, but I’ve actually got a really great system in place with lots of information, so for now I’m good to go. But if I ever need anything, I’ll certainly reach out to you.”
Same message, but a world of difference. Had I received that message, I would still be open to having that person in my network. The message is factual, to the point, but it also shows gratitude.
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A better way to say no
Case Two: Many years ago, I reached out to someone who was formerly a senior executive. I don’t even recall exactly what I reached out to get them to do, but I remember that they said, “I would be happy to take a look at this and provide feedback via email for you.”
There was a clear boundary being communicated there: they were stating what they were willing to do and that they were willing to be helpful. It’s clear that they were time constrained (as we all are), but you know how I felt after that response? Grateful. They built an advocate in that moment.
They cared enough to reply, they put things in a kind but direct manner, and their feedback was really helpful. Did I want more than feedback via email? That would’ve been amazing. But I also appreciated that they were kind enough to give me something rather than no response or something dismissive. This was a “no, but…” Used strategically, these can save you time while still allowing you to help others.
In Closing:
We live in a busy world and we all get things wrong, but it’s really key that you be intentional about the language you use in written and spoken communication, especially as you cultivate a network that can be sustained and grown over time. Just because now is not the right time doesn’t mean it won’t be in six months: as a friend of mine used to say, “Make your words soft in case you have to eat them later.” Be careful with your “no.”
It’s important that you recognize when you get things wrong and that you take the opportunity to apologize when you need to.
Keep being intentional in your networking and be kind out there: it pays off!